We’ve discovered a new vocation – that of tour guides.
Here’s how I envisage our brochure will read …
We offer you a choice of destinations – the drawing room, the dining hall, the garden, the terrace and the bedroom. We work 24x7 and are available at first cry. Dawn or dusk, midnight or the wee hours of the morning – we’re always at your service with a smile. For your extra comfort, we’ve mastered a cool language called baby talk, which consists essentially of coos, gurgles, unintelligible words and nonsense sounds.
We recommend the drawing room tour as it is features souvenirs and memorabilia from around the country. Each of these comes with a story that changes according to the time of day.
We’re completely dedicated to providing you the best of personalized service. Why, we even carry you in our arms. We rock you gently so you’re lulled to sleep. That’s how good we are!
You can choose from four specialist guides:
1. Tall, mustache-faced grandfather: Enjoy a panoramic view of the scenery! Known to pass on the tourist to grandmother when unable to satisfy.
2. Warm, ever-huggable grandmother: Highly experienced. Guaranteed comfort in her arms. Don’t forget to ask for a song! She’s got a great voice. Highly recommended.
3. Exhausted mom: Packed with a wealth of information but zero experience, she’s often the last resort. Good guide but needs to brush up on her skills.
4. Weekend dad: Lots of info, little experience but has the unique ability to talk you out of colic pain and frustration at being unable to sleep. Again highly recommended but difficult to obtain an appointment.
We regale you with stories – some imagined, some real. Of course, not that it matters – all you want is the soothing voice, right?
By the way, did I mention, our services are limited to those who weigh between 3 - 6 kgs. We don’t mind if you’re crying or colicky or sleepy. We serve all!
Welcome to parenthood!
Picture credit: exodus.co.uk
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